Thursday, September 6, 2012

Hero (dirt)...

The heckling and name calling started early in the day amongst the P-ride regulars. BillyVanilly for reasons beyond conception (as the typical mind capacity is far too inferior to fully grasp) re-dubbed The Manimal to the new and lesser nickname of Shitbagger. You can close your eyes and try to come up with a story of vegetarian proportions that might link a man to such a name, but the true story behind it is one that would make even this guy piss himself. 
Moving on we have the infamous HandleBalls, who finally got his new warranty frame from from Trek. I'll preface the rest of this paragraph with a dictionary entry -
Trek (t-wreck) - An inferior Bicycle or Piece Of Shit.
A Special Thanks from HandleBalls
Poor HandleBalls has been bikeless for weeks. He's had issues trying to build this new single speed but finally, with the supreme assistance of BillyVanilly, AKA The Macgyver of all things bicycle - a rigged headset was installed and the Wednesday Night Pirate Ride was ON - shy of Macgyver himself. That of course was until chain tensioning issues lead HandleBalls into early beer fridge retirement, a measly 20 minutes into the ride. Why the phuk companies like Trek try to reinvent the wheel, AKA Paragon Sliding Dropouts - is way beyond me. This is yet one more reason not to buy crap, even if its free.
Into the moonlit night we went, a good crew of jorks ready to kill all that is SMP. MaxiThad nearly got some free pussy early in the ride, which is entirely game since 'what happens at a Pirate ride stays at the Pirate ride'. This was moments after Chicken Legs slayed a snake on the pavement by riding over it's middle
After months of riding trail that was so dry and dusty you were plucking scabs from inside you nose; we were super psyched to be blessed with Hero Dirt - perfect conditions for riding fast and hooking-up. Roll call = Chasm, Shitbagger, Macgyver, The Circus Midget, HandleBalls, MaxiFat, Coletrain, Chicken Legs and Jack Sparrow. Though we had many stops, long ones at that, we did attempt to trigger every IED on the trail, exploding our legs up the climbs and valleys of the Red trail, pushing it hard between stops. I just cant get enough of those goods. 
RED trail signage @ SMP... The Goods.
A shorter than average ride went down, finished with a lap on the Autobahn. I wanted to ride for two more hours and just blow-up entirely, but time was not on our side. Barley Pops awaited us, teased us, lured us back to the lair where after doing a super advanced workout, we tossed back some cold ones and called it a night. 

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