Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Swollen Members...

I can't remember the last time it wasn't me who took an earth shattering tumble whilst riding dirt. Last night however, and aside from The Manimal, all those present for the P-Ride ate major shit more times than a starving dog. It was a true show of skill followed nearly every fifteen minutes by a down hill tumble. Good times.
Rewind to the first five minutes of our three hour ride. Handleballs lays down more power than Ice-T, which causes the instantaneous explosion of his front chain ring. Being minutes from the Pirates Lair, we send him off on a wild goose chase to find a replacement. Now we're down to TallBitch, The Manimal, Silent Killer, MaxiThad and me, shredding into the unknown. 
Handleballs Mustache
For the most part this was a chill ride. We made a pretty solid effort to stop and attempt every obstacle in our path, or slightly off our path. Most of said obstacles were steep and rock strewn hills, dead-fall or man-made stone wall rides/skinnies. The highlight being the P-Ride circus flying thru a large high school party at which we displayed our mad skills sending the circle of fire, which caused quite a stir amongst the ladies. I'm certain, had we returned for an encore, that many-a-boobies we'd have seen flashed our way in gratitude for our pure display of awesomeness.
Silent Killer
At some point during the ride we lost TallBitch. After a few minutes of deciding whether or not he might have survived the lollypop death march, a search and rescue operation was formed to recover his body. After a small grid search, his remains were found sans testicles, which had been generously shoved into his abdomen by his top tube. I think his exact words were 'I haven't been racked like that in years', or 'Oh, my balls'. Either way, the look on his face would make you think he'd just seen dead people, or at a minimum tossed his cookies in the woods.
TallBitch's Tokyo Slide Version 1.2
MaxiThads full-on yard sale must have been quite the site. Poor fella had more lumps and bumps than Rodney King. He sounded like the walking wounded for most of the ride; moaning like he too had just received a solid kick to the balls.
MaxiThad 'I Hurt' The Absorbant
I almost forgot to mention that Handleballs was in fact successful at commandeering a new chain ring and getting his bike back in order, and was able to meet us back out on the trail for more pain and suffering; including but not limited to the High School Party fly-by, The Autobahn, The Damn Hill and the Farm Descent.
The Manimal meets The Bunny Hop
The weekly P-Ride is pretty gosh-dang fun. I can't say that we are pushing maximum speed, or on any kind of lame training plan. We just ride bikes. It's a chill time for the most part, we ride dirt and boldly go were no man has gone before. Not to mention the post ride beverages taste oh so good. Hope to see you jerks, and those other jerks next Tuesday night for more of something completely different.

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